I made a big decision in December of 2021. I quit my teaching position – in the middle of the year. To make matters worse, this was actually the second time I had made this decision in my six years of working in education. I felt shame at being unable to pull myself together, and I felt fear at what the future held. I was not sure what I would do next. Never before had I felt like I was unable to succeed on my own merits, and the realization that I was not invincible hit me hard.
The following weeks leading up to Christmas I felt many conflicting emotions. I was relieved to not be in the classroom. I was exhausted. I was ashamed. I spent most of my time sleeping. When I was awake, I just wanted to go back to sleep. I had no energy, and I was experiencing no joy. I am certain that my friends and family were concerned.
My fiancé and I spent Christmas in Chicago with his family. I slept through most of it. I did not want to do anything. Our wedding was planned for February: two months away. It seemed to me that I was embarking on a journey for which I was completely unprepared: getting married, moving into a new home, and taking on the new role of wife. I felt doubts that I was up to the challenges.
I struggled with many questions. Was I worthy of Sean’s love? Would I even be able to carry and raise children? Would I be a failure of a wife because I was so drained?
Additionally, I was trying to figure out what lay ahead as far as a career path. I was unsure of what I could even manage as far as a future job with how exhausted I felt. I decided that it was time for me to let God work out the pieces. I had been trying to write my own story, and it was quite literally falling apart around me. It seemed hopeless to me, but maybe He could work a miracle.
Over the past three and a half years, I have taken many leaps of faith as I have tried to navigate finding my identity in the midst of a new marriage and a new job. I’d love to tell you that everything is great now, but the reality is that I still struggle daily with my Bipolar Disorder which I write about in Post #7. I still have anxiety that I am doing things wrong or even that I am doing the wrong things. I place unrealistic expectations on myself and flounder when I cannot meet them. I take out my frustrations on those closest to me or withdraw from them when I need them most. Our struggle with infertility has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced, and I write more about this in Post #4. However, I am learning to live with an attitude of patience and grace toward myself.
I have a unique story to tell; all of us do. I enjoy writing, and I find it to be an outlet for my many thoughts and feelings. I’ve decided to post some of my thoughts on this blog as a way to add my voice to the discussion around mental illness, faith, and family life. I also wanted to write to advocate for and document our family’s journey with embryo adoption, see Post #8. I am excited to share this journey with you if you choose to accompany me. Feel free to read the posts that interest you and ignore the posts that do not. If I say something you do not agree with, we can agree to disagree. You are welcome here whether we agree or not. Mostly, I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. When we care for one another, none of us have to journey alone; we can journey together. Please pray for me. I’m praying for you!
Mission Today 