I mentioned in a few of my previous posts that I live with Bipolar Disorder (BPD). I started being treated for BPD when I was sixteen, and I have been on medicine ever since. I am grateful that my medicine works for me and that I have the incredible support system I do. I know for many living with this disorder, this is not their reality.
I know many people, personally and anecdotally, who struggle to find a way to manage their BPD. I say management plan because there is no cure for BPD. I will struggle with BPD my entire life. The best I can hope for is that I will have more good days than bad and be blessed with a medical team that is able to make wise decisions that are effective for me. My management plan has had to be adjusted at various times throughout the last thirteen years, and it is currently being adjusted to prepare for pregnancy. These adjustments have been hard on me and my support system.
My current treatment team is spectacular. I have a therapist that I have seen for close to a decade and a psychiatrist that I have seen for at least five years. They are all excellent at what they do and empathetic to my struggles. They listen to me and what I am experiencing, and they support me. They have been through very hard times with me. For the last year, before preparing for pregnancy, when I have checked in to tell them everything is going well, they have celebrated with me. Now, they are working with me to come up with the best plan of action for our family as we grow. I pray that all people are able to find a treatment team that treats them with respect and treats their illness with skill.
The media’s portrayal of BPD has caused many people to be afraid of those with this diagnosis. This makes it scary to come out in public and tell people about my diagnosis. It can lead to feelings of isolation and shame. I struggled with telling my husband when we were dating, and I was terrified for his family to find out. I am working on becoming a more vocal advocate. I have opened up about my journey and had it help others, and I want to do this more.
Some days are hard. Sometimes weeks are hard. I have had stretches of months that were really hard. Usually episodes are only a few days for me. I am grateful for this. Something that helps me immensely is reminding myself that depression and mania are seasons that will end. I talk about this mindset in Post #5. It has been crucial to me learning how to deal with hard times.
I use an app called Daylio that my sister Jillian recommended to me. I have customized my moods to help me track my emotions. I have also customized common triggers and put them in categories such as diet, social, and work. I can usually recognize the symptoms of a manic or depressive episode before they happen. If I detect an episode coming, I have a mental list of what to do next.
If I am having depressive symptoms, I go ahead and text my husband, my mom, my best friends, and my boss that I am feeling down. I ask my closes friend for time to chat. These two steps start to combat the isolation I know that I will probably start feeling. I pick a form of exercise to do even though it is the last thing I feel like doing. This releases some endorphins that help my brain. Then I take a long shower, eat some chocolate, and go to sleep early. Often, when I wake up, I feel much better. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what I do, my brain is going to tell me that I am depressed, but I follow the steps and hope for the best.
If it is manic symptoms, I start by texting my husband that I am feeling manic. If I am at work, I tell my boss. I find a place that is comfortable, and I focus on my breath. As my mind races, I use some grounding techniques that I have learned. If I can, I go to Mass. Then, I try to get to my house as soon as I can to avoid bad decisions like binge eating or overspending. These are my most common go-tos when I am manic. When I get home, I typically sit in the shower in the dark. I focus on the feeling of the water on my skin and the sound of the water. Then I eat chocolate get in bed and try to sleep. Often when I wake up I feel much better. Sometimes, I don’t. It is the same as with depression, sometimes it doesn’t matter what I do, my brain is going to be manic.
It is infuriating to know rationally that I am happy in my life and still feel hopeless when I am depressed. It is exhausting to not be able to trust myself to not eat so much that I make myself sick or spend money that is not budgeted when I am manic. It is a battle inside my head where I am trying to tell myself that what I feel is not reflective of the reality that is around me. It makes me feel crazy, but I know I am not crazy.
Managing my bipolar is a daily job. It takes energy and discipline. Sometimes all the work results in another episode, and it feels like I forced myself to eat healthy, exercise, rest, and do all the other things for nothing. I often wonder what it must feel like to not have to fight your brain. I cannot imagine.
My faith tells me that God can bring good out of even the darkest situations. I have seen good come from my bipolar disorder. It has taught me to have empathy for people who struggle with other types of mental illness that I don’t experience. It has helped me connect and minister to people who are walking down this road or accompanying someone down this road. It has left me with gratitude for small things in life such as having a shower to help me calm down or having a best friend to remind me that I am sane.
I know that God will bring more good from these specific circumstances of my life. I also know that one day I will join Him in Heaven, and I will know what it feels like to be free from BPD. Free at last! Free at last! Until then, I will continue to struggle to take care of myself and be gentle with myself when I experience episodes that make daily life feel just too hard. I pray that you, too, can be gentle with yourself when life feels too hard and with others when they feel this way. You never know what people are struggling with.
Mission Today 